when God closes a door, He opens a window..

a window which is sometimes much much larger than the door..

i have never poured out my emotions to this online journal of mine for quite some time ever since i started working in Jollibee. my work took almost all of my social life and other circles away, except for school of course. nonetheless, i never regret anything it has ever cost me.

life revolved around the store. iwanted to chronicle my day-to-day experiences but i couldn't find time to worm my way even just for a measly ten minutes through the nearest internet cafe. i was exhausted after my duty, all i wanted after i got out was to sleep, sometimes even wishing i'd wake up after two days had i not have work schedule the next day. everyday was the same: but the routine was different. though i somehow came to a point where i wanted to quit - not because of the tedious load but because of my superiors. but i managed to finish my contract. i had actually extended three months more than the 5-month contract i signed. i was happy to reach my goal of getting a certificate of employment. more than what i asked for, i got an award for being a model trainer to the rookies.

eventually, it had to come to an end. and unluckily, what a sad ending because it was not the way i hoped my contract would end. now, i have all the time in the world to waste and become wasted. the life i enjoyed whih was confined to the ground floor of the food court suddenly got bigger and bigger i almost drowned of self-pity for being jobless. yet again, God has come to rescue me. for months, i have never seen church or heard masses but He never left me empty-handed.

a few days after i was dismissed, i got a nomination for a Women's opportunity award by the Soroptimist International. it was an award for women who are bread-winners but still continues to strive in earning a college degree despite financial sufficiency. if angels were creatures who disguised themselves in stubborn matrons, i would say i was blessed to have been sent one. :)
a few more days still, i was "summoned" by my colleagues at the dance troupe where i used to attend for a meeting. and it came to me as a super shock when i learned we were bound to leave for manila by january after the Hinguyaw Festivel for a month-long show organized by the Department of Tourism. take note: all-expense paid for airfare, acommodation and food. haha!! i was blessed ten times i soemtimes think i don't deserve it. then, it dawned on me that this time i've been spared was meant to be spent with my son who was left to the custody of a nanny since he was only a month old. the nights i had been crying and felt weak, he was there to tell me "Mommy, don't cry. i promise i won't ask you to buy toys for me anymore if you don't have money.." Aah. the wonders of children..

up to this day, i really can't still believe i got all of these. maybe all it takes is just to have little faith, as big as a mustard seed maybe, to move not just mountains but to turn the world upside down..

un-me

these months had been so draining. and harsh. it has caused my strength to falter and my spirit weaker. i am alone. i am struggling. and the struggles have become unbearable. now, i am growing tired. all i want is to be at peace and to rest fom my weariness. i want to be someone other than my self even for just a while..

my very first friendster blog post

my head is still in a daze. after what had happened about three days ago, i feel so exhausted. yet, i have never been so relieved in my whole two decades of existence...

Saturday (Sep. 22, 2006)

half-awake at around 5:oo, i rummaged through my pile of pillows and sheets for my phone. it was only then that i remembered i don't have any to search for. *sigh* it was almost centuries since i last had my thumb scroll the keys of my very antique n-32.. as in nokia 3210. that was the first (and only) phone i've ever laid my hands on. well, it's just so sad to say goodbye to the only witness of my best, as well as the worst days of my escapade in UP.

... i didn't take my usual morning bath. eew.. i don't have time to. especially with all the yelling and babbling of my mother, i couldn't afford to get a squeaky clean shower while hearing mama's tantrums. after all, i'm going somewhere else... somewhere i can take a nice sunbath and sand bath and friend's bash: the beach.

whew! it's been ages. i missed the shore. i missed treading at a five feet depth of the sea and gulping gallons of salt and urea and toxic water. i missed drowning myself. i missed the feeling of being alone thinking of nothing, having no worries, even just for a jiffy.

whoa!!!! i screamed at the top of my esophagus until there's none left of my voice box. it was crap. but i soo-soo enjoooyed it. i've been wanting to do it for long now but it's only today that i managed to get it right then and there at the moment of my desolation and solitude. i'm with my friends. i should be rejoicing to finally break free of all the oppressions. i should not be sober.

i never tasted wine, malt or alcohol. if i did, it would be mean to say that i choke every time i drink. i'd rather spend my life sulking in seawater and eating seaweeds than have beer float in my veins. but that very moment, all i wanted to do is get drunk. badly.

i did. with dignity -- figuratively and ironically.

*find out more on my friendster blog - tubag: confessions of an emotera

no guts, no glory

do not live for the expectations of people around u. if u messed up, so what? what u'll regret in this world are the risks you didn't take. so if you find that 1 thing that makes u happy, grab it w/ both hands..


..and to hell with the consequences..

Best book buys ever!

I hurriedly went to KCC Mall yesterday afternoon with a friend to submit an application form for service crew. We were heading to the personnel department at the 2nd floor when i got a glimpse of this newly opened stall where stockpiles of books grabbed my attention. Bookstores and Book sale always has this certain appeal to me so when we were done with my main purpose in going to the mall, i decided to drop by and take a look at the novels displayed. Unfortunately, i wasn't born to just look at things..

I saw a hardbound copy of Complete Works of William Shakespeare. This classic was hard to let go not to mention rare. it was the only copy they have so I grabbed the book. somehow, i couldn't get a grip of other titles which were also available. i was quite surprised to see that the prices were really really inexpensive for books especially hardbound ones. I wanted to buy more but thanks to my poor status quo, i couldn't afford to add another. The Shakespeare colection was only P275.00 though. Unbelievable, ain't it?

The following morning when i took the exams for the job i am applying for, i went back to the stall. again, i was compelled to find other books i wanted to read to start the summer with. i really had no intentions to buy - at first. but impulsive as i always am, i ended up fighting with my self if i should give away my P238.00 to the cashier. of course, i did pay the cashier - highly predictable. the only thing that consoled me was that i got 3 bestselling novels at that price. nice catch, huh? Here's what i got: A man in full by Tom White (actually, i've been asking a friend of mine to lend me his copy until i finally got my own at P45.00 only), Dracula by Bram Stoker (P105.00) and, my own copy of How Stella got her groove back by Terry Macmillan (P88.00)! it amazed me so much i don't even know if i could finish reading all those given the fact that i'll be such a busy person for the following weeks. Anyway, there were still other books which were being sold at a low, low price. The prices for hardbound books can go as low as P70, all in still good condition and fairly readable compared to the other book sale stall in another mall where they sell twice as much the cost and half less the choices. i've never had this much satisfaction with books i have bought for my collection.

Well, if you do have time, try visiting the place. you might find for yourself stuff you have been wanting to read in your lifetime. :]

Still life...

it conveys more than what the naked eye could perceive. it stimulates the mind to think. it evokes emotions. it vividly captures existence and creation..
when i look at pictures, i can clearly see how life had evolved and developed man's intellectual capacity to invent things. nostalgia always finds its way to my serene thoughts as i once again view moments imprinted on glossy paper.

then i came across http://totolozano.com/ and saw how dynamic and vibrant the world of photogrpahy is. i used to think photography is only the art and science of capturing an image with the use of a camera. but now, to add to tanya lopez's definition, it is action. it tells a story - of people, of occasions, of experiences, of society, of human condition, of the micro and macrocosmos.

it distinguishes the peculiar from the usual. it is hunting for verbs, not nouns. it is more than just mere lens focusing and clicking the shutter... it is also imparting information and the corelation of things. that by taking pictures, we take into account the struggle to face the adversities and complexities of life.

a photographer/photojourn/activist's blog: you'll never know whats in store for you. his blog description, also a description of himself, is one i have rarely seen - direct and simple yet, intriguing. ang maniniyot - the facade of life revolving in pictures and kuno - a humble way of self-acclaiming a profession and in some sense, leading the readers to discover the realities that bite. the background is minimalist in nature, contrasting the surrounding layout of the page. the other page elements such as the links list and archives are well laid out. one thing i like most is the flickr of several photos capturing the vastness of human emotions. the tags would also give you a hint on what you can read on the pages and the main themes of the posts are highlighted by using larger font sizes: Mindanao, photography and of course, his persona. even the ads are not domineering. his choice of green for highlighted items and his header were also great: it fits both for white and black backgrounds so there are only a few colors used enhancing the minimalism effect.

toto's homepage fuses passion with activism. he gives his self away through his love of the art and his calls for social change. his posts, though simple and not really writer-material, can "knock" some social sense especially with the photos speaking for themselves. truly, an image paints a thousand words and a million meanings. with this, i'd like to share Martin Muncaksi's (1963) words on being a photographer on toto's page:

"He, whose aim is the genre photographs,
must be somewhat of a poet in order
to lend his pictures a dash of poetry
and imagination.
and the portrait photographer
must be a bit of psychologist;

the landscaper, a bit of an artist.

and they all must draw well,
to arrive at a perfect composition
with each of their subjects

and finally, the top of all:
news photography
– which requires
beyond all these qualities
the quality of a journalist,

with an instinct for news,
the knowledge of an all-around sportsman
who runs, jumps, climbs,

plus the tact and the wit of a diplomat
that is , to be able to emerge from the most
embarrassing situations with the
best possible shot already bagged."

***
This is an entry to the

Review-a-blog!

SOCCSarGen Bloggers’ Review-a-Blog Contest
***

heartbreak

just hours ago, i was quite uncertain of what to write. now, it's worse. i can barely press the keys.

i cannot bear the thought of graduation day. not that i am bitter because i still have a long way to go before i could march. it's just that i would surely miss one of my best buds: i spoke with him earlier this evening.

i don't know if i am supposed to tell him how i would feel if he leaves for good. and i don't know what my life would be knowing he won't be around if i need him.

i'll miss him terribly.

i just know i will.

and i'm sure i would..

Out of the bLue

you just can't have the best of two worlds. opposite worlds at that..

..and you just can't go taking risks when it means having to put the "future" of other people into the pit you would be falling into if in case the risks are not worth it.

i just made the biggest decision i've been struggling from for the past few days. i never really wanted to make a big deal out of the upcoming elections for the collegiate councils and the supreme student government but i guess, i just can't run away from it. i already asked leni about my plans and what it had to do with my passion for writing - that is staying in omniana. i like writing. a lot. if there are other things i life i'd rather be doing, i would choose to write forever for these good, or say best, reasons:

1. i met the people who became my closest and most treasured friends in the publication (leni, rolly, ariel, debbie, mikoy, ryan c., dave and the list goes...)

2. it built a strong character in me.. to always think of others welfare first and to express my opinions and views even if it would threaten my existence in the university

3. i felt this was my calling and this thing is meant for me and only me

4. my best and worst experiences happened during my omniana days

5. i have learned to love this more than anything else.

but then, i have some equally, and at some point, greater responsiblities i have to take care of. i think my college needs me for a job she knows i can well handle (according to a number of students and teachers i have spoken with). it tears me apart to think that i have to make a decision that would make me choose between doing what i like and doing what i have to. darn! i could easily say no but sometimes, it's hard to resist when you've already made a name out of "serving." much as i would like to decline and give others the post, i could not afford to sacrifice the plight of our college.

i have been contemplating on the decision i made last Saturday. if it was right to run in the highest position in the college council even if i knew one of my closest friends would be running in the same position. if it was right to blab about things i should rather had my mouth shut. if it was deserving of respect to talk behind others back especially if it had to do with a friend. lately, i've been trying to convince my self i am worthy to be president. but with how i have behaved lately, i should know more.

maybe i really am lucky to be one of the most sought-after figures in the campus. yet, getting it to my nerves makes me nonetheless the same with Gloria..